Counseling (again) and mattering

I recently started seeing my counselor again. I just felt like I needed to talk about some of the thoughts running around in my head and my husband can only take so much. During one of our recent sessions she asked me if I have ever tried writing. I told her I've only ever journaled and writing doesn't really interest me. That question is why I'm here writing again. I figured I would start up again and write down some thoughts that my sessions with her have brought up.

Lately my counselor and I have been talking about the idea that I am depressed. I know my depression, I've been here and further, before. When she mentioned it to me it was no surprise  I dealt with it in high school took medication and I was eventually able to stop the medication and move on. I had a lot of things going on in my life at that time. I was in an unhealthy on again off again relationship, my mother had recently re-married, and along with a step father I also gained a step-sister and a step-brother all who moved into my home.

I attributed all of those things to my depression. For my last year of high school I was able to escape my jumbled home life and go to boarding school where I eventually stopped taking my medication and enjoyed the time away from home. After a year and a half away at college I returned home. Things were different but still jumbled and I was still on again off again with the same boyfriend. For a short time I tried taking medication again but I was having strange side affects. I prayed about it and stopped taking the medication because I could not deal with the side affects, constant yawning followed my a spell of nausea, weird. Thankfully I was able to go on without help and I have continued to manage without help since then and seek counseling when I felt like I needed to.

Right now I feel like I'm in a funk and I want to take something to "take the edge off". The difference now is that my life isn't jumbled or crazy. It's actually kind of boring. During my latest counseling session the topic of me mattering came up. We discovered that I don't feel like I matter. I told her that I have felt this way for a while. In middle school, when I had friends, I felt like if I died they would not care. Apparently my feeling of not mattering has been an underlying feeling for a while, I just never realized it. I decided to fill her in on what I think is my real problem is. I don't matter to my father. I have always felt like an after thought to him.(great, now I'm crying) Stopping by to see me on the way to see someone else, telling me not to call and to email him instead. I'm sure he feels like he has done a good job. He did make a couple trips to visit me when I was younger and do things here and there like give me a computer or laptop when I needed one. That is not enough. The reality is that a couple trips to visit and a few summers when I went to visit don't makes up for the life that I lived without him. Without a call on Christmas or a call or card on my birthday. I don't think my father is a bad person. I certainly have a better relationship with him that a lot of other people have with their fathers. Unfortunately none of that matters when I feel like I'm no where near the top of my fathers priority list.

While driving in my car today I was thinking about these things and remember an earlier session where we discovered that I often feel abandoned by God which we attributed to issues with my mother. Then a thought came to me, Do I matter to my Father? Not my earthly father my my heavenly Father, God. This made my eyes water and made my thoughts stop in their tracks. I've been going through some growing pains spiritually and I'm beginning to identify the feelings I've been having but have been unable to express or understand. I feel abandoned, I feel like I don't matter to God. No wonder He always feels so far away. This explains all the times I've wanted to pray but decided not to because God wasn't going to do anything about it anyway. I don't know how to begin to feel like I matter to God and I don't really know what to do about it. All I know is that over the last two years my spiritual life has been breaking down and maybe now I'm getting closer to the foundation. Maybe, just maybe the Holy Spirit is getting rid of all the broken and rotted out pieces of what I thought I knew and eventually a renewed faith will be built upon the foundation of my belief that even when I feel abandoned or like I don't matter God is still there.

Just in case anyone actually reads this I apologize for any typos and bad grammar.

I lost 1lb!

Today was my second "weight in" and I lost 1.2lbs this past week! I'm so happy! I wasn't sure this program was working and during the week I have been tempted to get on the scale but I resisted because I did not want to become discouraged. I really think having to track everything is making the difference. I exercised all but 1 day last week. Yea!!

I Joined Weight Watchers

I did it. Those Jennifer Hudson commercials got to me.
Well not really :)
I decided to join Weight Watchers because one, I need to loose weight (about 20lbs), and two, they have a program designed for breastfeeding moms. I just signed up a few days ago but so far I'm liking it. I went grocery shopping last Friday and bought more fruit, veggies, and more healthy snacks like natural popcorn (Thank you Whole Foods. I decided to start shopping there again after watching the movie Food Inc., that's another story!). But I didn't leave out my favorite sweets like gummy worms and jelly beans, I just bought the organic kind ;) and I bought small packages.

The difference is now I know what my limit is. I have a set line that I can see and I know not to cross. I have 40 points per day and 49 extra to use during the week if I choose to. The best part for is is that most fruits and veggies do not count. I can eat as many grapes or oranges as I want. This has helped me actually eat fruit. Before if I wanted something sweet I went for my sugary snacks but now those snacks "cost" me. On the other hand I can eat as many grapes as I want and it's "free". I find myself rethinking those sour worms and opt for grapes instead. This would have never happend before. Before the grapes would go bad before they would be eaten. Not anymore!

I also find comfort in knowing that if I go over my points for that day I can pull from my weekly points and all is not ruined. And I'm more motivate to work out!

I'm going to stop rambling now. I really hope this works for me!

Christ, the ultimate model

A few nights ago I was thinking about a scenario in my head. I would be having a conversation with someone and they would ask me about discipline and I would say that we don't hit people in our house or hitting is not allowed in our home. That person would have a confused look on their face and then they would ask "Well then what DO you do?". I would tell them about re-direction when they are very little, natural and logical consequence, time-in or comfort corner, etc. I would say that my job is to teach my child how to handle his feelings in appropriate ways and that I want their obedience to come from the heart, not out of fear. And as parents we should model the behavior we want to see. We are trying to model ourselves, and how we discipline after Christ.
This got me thinking. The point of Jesus coming to earth was for Him to model the type of life He wants us to live! Jesus isn't in heaven looking down on us ready to zap us when we do something wrong. We do have to face the natural consequences of our choices, but He doesn't throw in an extra, unrelated punishment for good measure. He is full of grace and His love is not conditional on how we act. Christ is our model as His followers and as parents we are models for our children and their first idea of who God is.
Christ modeled: Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self-control
These are the things I want to model and teach my child.
No spankings necessary.

Not a Wordless Wednesday

Today for International Babywearing Week I met up with my local group at the mall. We were originally going to go to a farm but it rained. I had a decent time. I arrived late so I had to walk around a little before I found them. Once I did I chatted a little but I still feel a little like an outsider. When we got the the play area I felt like all the other moms were talking to each other but I was by myself with my little guy. Before the group was over I did talk to a mom with a 5 month old who is almost as big as my guy, had teeth and looks like he is about to crawl. Oh, and he has 12 fingers to boot! It was very interesting. I'm glad she struck up a conversation with me :)
Here is Isaiah at the mall; he is starting to stand on his own!

Wordless Wednesday

My little guy is looking older everyday!
(I still think I look awful)

Musings

I don't have anything specific to write about.
Right now I am trying to bee open to new friendships. I really need to connect with some people besides my husband and son. This week we purchased a Wii and a few games. I'm hoping the Zumba and dance games will help me either maintain or loose some weight.
This week a blog that I read posted a link to another blog where the author did a 50's housewife experiment. It's a great read!
Another blog I like is doing a series on sex education in the home. The post on masturbation is thought provoking.
Starting next week I think I'll participate in Wordless Wednesday. (This will guarantee my 1 post a week goal, hehe)